Happy, Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World

Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World Act II, Episode 5
The Empire Strikes Back

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World…

After a long day on the trail of the Teraphobian regiment, Sad Woofer and Alucard got plastered in the woods and had a fireside chat while Frances Willard and Ranger Rick kicked back and enjoyed the weather. The next day, Ranger Rick scouted ahead and managed to spot a clearing in the woods that looked like a good spot to camp. The gang headed in that direction and finally arrived at the clearing, which was empty save for a ring of smooth, identical stones encircling a chest. Naturally, Alucard opened the chest, and he and Ranger Rick went to town shoveling a seemingly endless supply of riches into their pockets, bags, fanny packs, and man purses. Frances Willard got in on the action as well, and soon the trio had more wealth than a Nigerian prince whose assets are locked away safely in a bank beyond his reach due to an unjust coup d'état. Because Suspicious Wolf is suspicious of anything that didn’t come from the poor district, he opted out of the plunder and refused to enter the ring. He was eventually persuaded to join the rest of the group in the center of the circle by a very persistent rock wall.

Turns out Suspicious Wolf was right to be suspicious (for once), as everyone in his party had been replaced by fae dopplegangers! The real versions of the heroes woke up in the Faerie Court and were made aware an outstanding balance on their accounts, a result of Mr. Bones “gifting” them immortality. According to the Faerie Queen Nero, Mr. Bones – whose real name is Faedick – is actually a former member of the Winter Faerie Court. He recently went rogue and stole the faerie’s immortality. The Fae court believes he may be doing this in order to aid Morganna, the former queen of all Fae and sister of the goddess Arturia.

Because the heroes are imbued with this stolen immortality, they have been commanded to repay the debt by performing three tasks for the Winter Faerie Court. Fortunately, the Fae are a benevolent folk that recognizes that the heroes did not intentionally get into this situation, so the queen has promised a reward upon completion of these three tasks.  The first task is to find out what Mr. Bones’ true objective is.

With that, the heroes were returned to their bodies…only to discover they were in each other’s bodies – and not in the gay way, unfortunately. Rasker is Valdur and Valdur is Rasker and Vladimir is Hardin and Hardin is Vladimir! Confusing, I know. Anyway, the gang took their new bodies and set out for the capital of the Teraphobian Empire. They were accosted by drunk and silly slavers during their first night at a seedy hotel and killed a poor guy on his second day on the job. RIP 2-Day Larry. Fleeing in the middle of the night, they then proceeded onward to the next settlement, where they’ve discovered twenty or so tracks leading into the tavern – tracks that looks suspiciously like the soldiers they were hunting in the woods.

What will happen next time? Will our heroes get their bodies back? Will Vladimir as Hardin get revenge for Hardin as Vladimir dumping out his liquor? Will Valdur as Rasker remember how to count to lots? Will Rasker as Valdur save the day? FIND OUT NEXT TIME on Happy Fun Adventure Time in a Fantasy World Act III, Episode 1: Brunch on Meat Mountain.

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Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World Act II: Episode 4
Worst. Roadtrip. Ever. Of All Time.

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World… Our heroes finally made it to Blackfen Stronghold, the biggest orc city in the west, which rolled out the red carpet for their arrival. Mystified by the warm welcome, the gang met with Ana, an ancient orc grandma. She cleared up the mystery by revealing Lord Valdur’s true identity: The Chosen One, destined to unite the clans and bring harmony back to the world. Naturally, The Chosen One took this all in with his usual, humble grace and promised to do everything in his power to protect his people and restore world order. Just kidding. 

Big Green Harry Potter, Ron Weasely, Scabbers, and Serious Black enjoyed a feast with all the orcs except one group that seemed really peeved for some reason. After some investigation, they learned that the chieftan’s son was the leader of that one group, and being none too pleased with the arrival of some impostor chosen one, was spoiling for a fight. Ron Weasely saw this as a good opportunity for the gang to earn some respect, so he low-key mentioned that Harry Potter was planning on fighting the orcish heir. This caused some drama and the two parties agreed that there would be a duel between the seconds, Sirious XM Radio and Goyle, to resolve the question of whether Valdur or that orc chief's son whose name I can't remember ( <s>Korok? Karok? Kotor? Kakarot</s>? Something with a K…) has a better little sister. Meanwhile, in return for Ron scoring him an invitation to a duel, Harry Potter sent a giant orc to beat up Ron Weasely and then had him carted off to a brothel outside of the town (Scabbers followed). Overall, the gang did some shenanigans in the town and some other stuff, and then the day of the duel came. With bare fists, Sirius White plowed into Goyle, knocking the big orc out quickly. Then, the orc chief’s son took offense at some concern or another and challenged The Chosen One to a fight with weapons this time, no magic. Unsurprisingly, The Chosen One won (he’d be a lousy chosen one if he didn’t) and everyone hugged it and became friends. Totally.

After wrapping up their business in town, the gang hit the road again, this time traveling south to the Teraphoban Empire. Everything was going along really well and the group was actually making good time, but that all changed when the <s>fire nation</s> Teraphoban Empire attacked. Well, they didn't attack our fearless heroes — they actually attacked the town of Katun. Allegedly. Nobody has any proof.

The group decided to move forward and hunt down the baddies with Shovel Knight scouting ahead through the forest. After a day's march, the forest eventually got pretty chill (literally) and, upon noting a massive storm moving in, the group decided to look for shelter. Upon finding an old, abandoned and scorched village, Shovel Knight notified the others and they stopped to make camp as a blizzard hit. Now, with the wind howling like this swirling storm inside, Sad Woofer sits alone in an empty burned-out house, and the the rest of the gang is merrily trying to stay warm in a completely different empty burned-out house. What will happen next? Will the Great Mouse Detective bake more cookies? Will The Chosen One decide what he wants for dinner for once? Will Shovel Knight find the bad guys? Will Sad Woofer let it go? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World Act II, Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back.

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Act II, Episode 3
Crasher-Vania.

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World…

Our merry band had an excellent time at Count Strahd’s killer house party and everyone lived happily ever after.

Just kidding.

The gang continued to explore Count Strahd's mansion, discovering some sinister mad science along the way. Baron Banana-Hammock had a rendezvous with a tentacled hentai beast in an underground lake while Dexter and Dee Dee leveled up their chemistry in the vampire's laboratory. After a while, the gang was able to reunite — just in time for the Baron to get an incurable case of "punching a thrall in the face." Aided by their new ally Omnigul, our heroes fought off waves of thrall, spiders, tentacles, bats, and other nonsense. After that, an accidental discovery of a trap door led to the vampire's vault, which contained some pretty sweet loot. 

After suiting up, the gang realized they were locked into the vault with no way out. Fortunately, maid Helga saved the day by letting them out….right in front of Count Strahd. Baron Banana-Hammock was once again afflicted with a terrible case of punching things in the face and punched Strahd right in the mouth. That went over about as well as expected. With the boss fight triggered, the end was in clear sight! Also, maid Helga turned out to be an evil vampire mistress with a charming whisper. Fighting bravely and doing his best impression of a Genji escaping a Mercy, the Baron punched everything in the face while Wolf Genji ran around anime-style (for maximum speed) to kill everything with his stabby-slashy sword. Master Splinter placed traps and laid out some heals, Omnigul screamed a lot, and Doggo bamboozled the bad guys to heck and back. After a long, draining battle, our heroes were victorious, took a nap, and lived happily ever after.

Just kidding.

They aren’t getting off the hook that easily. They still have a magical stick to find and a princess to rescue, so tune in next time for Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World Act II: Episode 4 – Worst. Roadtrip. Ever. Of All Time.

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Act II: Episode 2
Metal Gear Rasker V: Grandma Heroes.

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World…Rasker, Valdur and Vladimir played a game of hide and sneak with a bunch of slave caravan guards, banished Lady H’iss 2.0 to another dimension, had their fortunes read, got a new pet, and moved permanently to a quaint, off-map countryside town where they’ve been invited to dinner with a vampire. Now the gang is enjoying their free time exploring the home of Count Von Strahd, the vampire of Barovia, with the help of their new friends: Vareena the newborn banshee and Helga the maid. What will happen next? Will Vladimir figure out how to fix the bridge? Will Rasker find more cookies? Will Valdur help more hunnies turn into banshees? Find out next time on Act II, Episode 3: Crasher-Vania.

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Act II: Chapter 1
Rasker Stole the Cookies from the Cookie Jar. Who, me? Yes, you. Not me. Then who?!

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World…Our heroes decided to set out for the Teraphobian Empire on a mission to steal the declaration of independence rescue the princess. On the way, they came across a small abandoned village. While Pinky and the Brain checked out the alcohol and apple stores and Scooby Doo looked for clues as to why the village was abandoned, Goldilocks explored the rest of the village, found a little girl, and took a nap on a bed that was juuuuuuuuuust right. After the gang reunited, they continued on their adventures with the little girl, Aubrey, in tow. Eventually, they ran into some kind of fraternity hazing ritual or something, at which point Aubrey decided to use life steal on some of the frat boys and save the freshmen vampires from the super Xtreme stake burning challenge. The vampires went on their merry way and our brave heroes continued their quest, paying no heed to the strange rumors of grandmas being kidnapped throughout the land. On the third day of this grand excursion, a massive sandstorm hit, and the group almost ran into a camp of slavers in possession of the missing grandmas. Hidden for now, the gang contemplates their next actions. What will happen next? Will the grandmas go free? Will Rasker be triggered by so many grandmas in one place? Will the group pass their stealth rolls? WILL THE PRINCESS BE IN ANOTHER CASTLE?! Find out next time on Act II, Episode 2: Metal Gear Rasker V: Grandma Heroes.

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Patch Notes 1.02

General

  • Damage modifier on weapons reduced to ½ level + (str/dex/wis/etc).
  • Attacks that cannot be dodged or blocked only hit if the roll to hit is equal to or greater than the target’s AC

General Mage:

  • Increased healing output of lesser healing
  • Changed wording to clarify the effect of Barrier Defense

Explosion Mage

  • Changed Infallible Boundary passive to reflect update to Barrier Defense
  • Changed wording to clarify the effect of Frenzied Blaze
  • Adjusted mana cost on Chuunibyou to vary by the spell chosen
  • Changed wording to clarify the effect of Dark Flame Master

Brawler

  • Upgraded Fist Weapons to provide an off-hand attack as a bonus action. Does naked 2D6. Clarified that main hand attack uses 2D6 + ½ Level + Strength OR Dex.
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A Tale of Two Sisters
Or The Story of How Everything Got Rekt

As the party unwinds from their travels, the mighty, impressive dragon Bahamut begins to speak.

Tens of thousands of years ago, back in a time when gods freely intervened in the world and dragons still soared the sky in great numbers, a time before the underland, a time when all races fought and lived and worked as one on the continent, two sisters appeared in Forlonde, much in the same way Amelia did. The younger sister, Arturia, was fair and shone brightly, her great sword glinting in the sunlight. She was bold and won the hearts of mortals across the land. Eventually, she became king of a mighty people and thus, the Kingdom of Monere was born. The older sister, Morgana, was dark and beautiful, bearing a powerful staff that could produce fine magic that was the envy of every caster in the land. However, she was also jealous of her younger sister's fame and power. She sought power of her own, and in her quest for power, stumbled across an ancient vault. With her staff, she unknowingly released a great evil on the land from that vault. Once she realized what she had done, she trembled at the power in her hands. Then, resolved, she used the staff to take control of that evil and marched across the land. Now, this is the point where our histories collide. There was a young shadow dragon, Morded, who idolized the older sister. He vowed to be her steed, to carry her where no other would. And so Morgana and Morded led an attack against the city of Monere. Two elder time dragons, Nidhogg and Ouroboros, were slain defending the city, and thousands of people were killed. Arturia held fast though, and with her mighty sword Excalibur vanquished hundreds of creatures in the evil army. But for every one she killed, a dozen more appeared as if from thin air. Arturia fell and the city was overrun; the remaining elder time dragons called upon the gods to intervene. Mighty Vallanus roared down from the sky in his chariot and struck down thousands of the creatures, while Lunara saw to Morgana. Seizing the staff and encasing Morgana in ice, Lunara sealed away the evil creatures in the vault from whence they came. Morgana was also sealed away in the vault. The young dragon was imprisoned deep underground as punishment for his treachery, far from the sky he loved to fly so well. 

The dragon stops for a moment to pour the kobold some more popcorn and refresh everyone's ale mugs.

Thirty years ago, the hero Amelia went down into that vault and came out with the staff. She did not come out unchanged. The revolution began shortly after. During the war, Queen Azshara requested to study the entrapped Morgana. I disagreed, but eventually the council gave in. Five members of the council went to retrieve the body: Kabyr, Praedyt, Pahaniin, and Ryujin. Only one, Ryujin, made it back out, leaving us with only six of the original elder time dragons: myself, Kur, Savathun, Grendel, Kilgharrah, and Ryujin. And her, of course, though she is no longer entirely one of us. We used the orb to seal the vault shut with that cursed staff and the great evil it unleashed inside. That orb is your key to getting into the vault.

The dragon pauses for a moment and then looks at each person in turn — a bit regretfully, as if he acknowledges the fruitlessness of what he is about to say next.

A week ago, I would never have told you this. But now, Morgana has been awoken and even now she seeks to regain her former strength. You have a strange potential about you — you must become stronger and then stop her from entering the vault and regaining the staff. If she or anyone else who can use the staff awakens the evil that lives in that vault, there will be no saving us this time. The gods will not answer. The world rests on your shoulders, gods help us all.

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Act 1: Episode 5
Tiffany is Really, like, Friggin’ Pissed Right Now and, like, Just Can’t Even.

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World… Our heroes continued their quest to find the legendary dragon Bahamut, but they still had plenty of time to go sightseeing through the forest, where they bullied some banshees and obliterated some ice elementals. Upon finding the dragon, the gang learned some surprising secrets — namely that you can't judge a dragon by its size. Bahamut turned out to be totes friendly and sat the kids down for a bedtime story about how the staff of mysteries came to Forlonde and the mysterious origin of the goddess Arturia and her way cooler older sister, Morgana (Read that whole legend here.) He then revealed that the gang only has six months to level up and get gud!

<COMMENCE TRAINING MONTAGE>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So our heroes trained hard while listening to 80s rock and managed to go up TO THE NEXT LEVEL! Then they had to hurry up and cook breakfast/dinner for a group of 6, no 7, time dragons (one dragon showed up without a reservation). Anyway, the dragons had a meeting and decided Who's a Good Boy, Richie Rich, Ratatouille, and Sir Ironpants would form the fireteam best suited to tour the ancient vault and recover the staff of mysteries before it's too late. 

What will happen next? Will Orc McMoneypants manage to complete his thoughts on the princess' whereabouts or will the subject be forever lost in a cliffhanger? Will Knight McMetalpants manage to snag some of that sweet, sweet dragon gold? WHO STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR?! Find out next time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World, Act 2: Chapter 1: Rasker Stole the Cookies from the Cookie Jar. Who, me? Yes, you. Not me. Then who?!

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Act 1: Chapter 4
I Couldn't Become a Hero, So I Reluctantly Ended Up Joining a Cult

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World…Our heroes ventured to the temple district of Aodalas to get some answers about the location of the dragon Bahamut, the last-known location of the staff of whatever, and to get Rasker some cookies. They ended up staying for the free swag (along with some other convincing marketing assets) being offered by the Cult of the Nine. Then they all signed up to be cultists! With the quest to recruit more cultists, our heroes set off through the city. Mini-hulk and the perverted ratman helped quench a fire at a bank and acquired gold and a ledger for their troubles while the samurai werewolf went after the criminal that caused the fire. Meanwhile, Sir Clanksalot went shopping for a polearm and recruited a bunch of hobos to the Cult of the Nine. After they finished up their errands in the city, the gang headed to the mountains in search of the legendary dragon Bahamut. Along the way, they were shaken down by a large gang of bandits and spotted a huge column of orcs marching toward Aodalas. Then they all went to sleep and everything was k. What will happen next?! Will our brave adventurers find the dragon? Will Rasker get more cookies? Will Vladimir-kun make back to town in time for his date with Tiffany?! Find out next time on Episode 5: Tiffany is Really, like, Friggin’ Pissed Right Now and, like, Just Can’t Even.

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Act I: Chapter 3
The Duck of Doom Returns!

Last time on Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World…Our heroes continued faffing about underground in the Water Spout, a popular Spider bar. Rat-faced Rainman got super drunk and eventually passed out; Sir Fluffybutt-chan the 3rd put on a top hat and accidentally gave a Spider barback some bug spray to sniff; Soldier Seventy-Shoot-First-Ask-Questions-Later found a secret door with a mysterious puzzle, and Leeorc Jenkins, Lord of Ingesting Mysterious and Probably Poisonous Substances, had a lovely chat with a friendly Spider dad. After that, the gang successfully solved the mysterious puzzle and gained access to the secret room, where they found a lame emo diary, a sweet box full of absolutely nothing useful, and a super awesome trap door with a convenient tunnel leading out of the Underland. Naturally, the helpful knight burned a few casks of alcohol sitting at the bottom of the tunnel to keep everyone else from temptation. After fighting amongst themselves and then killing this poor shaman that just wanted to know what was in the box, our heroes hitched a ride to Aodalas and got a room at Safe House #4, the popular safe house owned by The Spreading Adventure all Over the World Brigade. What will our heroes do next? Will they find the legendary dragon Bahamut to find answers about the Staff of Mysteriously Disappearing's resting place? Will they join the Cult of the Nine? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON Happy Fun Adventure Times in a Fantasy World, Episode 4: “I Couldn't Become a Hero, So I Reluctantly Decided to Join a Cult.”

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